apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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