How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
