if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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