I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
