Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
This house was built for laser tag.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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