Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
