just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
