Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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