Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
