the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
