I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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