i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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