I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
