There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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