fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
