I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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