and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Randomize
