Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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