My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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