I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Randomize
