Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
