Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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