You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
