So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
