I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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