"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
