My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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