dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
