My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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