I just threw up on my dentist
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
