So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
