I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
