I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
