he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
