hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
How external is "for external use only"?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
