I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
