I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
