If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
