After last night, I could never be a politician.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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