then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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