I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
this hospital has no fireball
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
