i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
