I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
