i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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