So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
