I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
