Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Randomize
