It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
