I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
