in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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