I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You can't special order awesome
i was born a porn star she said
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I want a musical about memes.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
