i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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