Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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