Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
