i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
